have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
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