and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
