I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I wish i was in the wii world.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
