We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I fill condoms, not promises.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
