I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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