I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
