i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
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