There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
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