I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
