you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
