Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
