Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Randomize
