If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Randomize
