Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
