She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
