it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
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