You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Randomize
