It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Randomize
