Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
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