It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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