Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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