I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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