Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Randomize
