I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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