I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.�
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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