some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
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