my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
i need to put some appletini on your dick
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
