and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
