You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
