All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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