you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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