you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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