Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
