I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
