I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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