ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
