walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
