You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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