Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
