every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
