Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I don't want my vagina anymore.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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