Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
