I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
