the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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