You can't motorboat a personality
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
