I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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