You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
