I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
