my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
