carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
